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    « How to Liberal: Episode 2 | Main | The Path of the Raging Boll: Alone in the Dark »
    Wednesday
    Jan052011

    The Path of the Raging Boll: Bloodrayne

    By Jonathan Rind

    Hello and welcome to the third part of our series on the infamous schlock director, Uwe Boll. If you haven’t read the previous articles on House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, be sure to check them out.

    Today’s film is Bloodrayne, the 2005 adaptation of the video game series of the same name. It is the most expensive Boll picture so far and has the most well known actors. Also, it is a period piece! Anachronistic dialogue and props are of course littered throughout the movie.

    We are introduced at the beginning to a trio of traveling badasses played by Michael Madsen, who is so bored that he is barely there, Michelle Rodriguez, playing bitchy and annoying better than anyone, and Matthew Davis from the classic Blue Crush. We learn that they are vampire hunters who get a tip about a person they might be interested in. They go to a really lame carnival in the middle of nowhere to find them.

    Before they get to the really lame “Serbian Carnival”, we are shown the titular heroine, Rayne. She is one of the freaks in the traveling show because they can mutilate her arm by dunking it in water and then feed her blood and the wounds magically heal up. The carnival audience eats this shit up.

    One night while Rayne is asleep in her cage at the carnival, a carnie drunkenly tries to rape her. She kills him and then escapes but not before killing everything around her. This is the first real taste of action that Boll gives us and it is a pretty good indication that this movie will feature buckets upon buckets of blood. It’s right there in the name. I should have known.

    The trio is totally late to the party so they just decapitate the corpses and burn them. M-Rod decides to go off on her own and take care of some shit so the trio has now become a duo with a lone wolf satellite party. The two best bros now decide to continue following Rayne.

    Rayne was hitchhiking and got into a tussle with some backwoods vampires who were attacking a wagon. They offered to give her a ride after she saved them. Once in a town, Rayne encounters a fortuneteller who, like a few characters in this movie, speaks in only plot exposition. She tells Rayne that she needs to get three relics, an eye, a heart, and a rib bone, that have been scattered around the land so that she can have the power to defeat her evil father, Oscar winner Ben Kingsley.

    Ben Kingsley is the most evil vampire ever, Kagan. His “rayne” of terror (fuck yes) consists of him sitting on a wooden throne all day, saying one line of dialogue that shows just how evil he really is. Seriously, for 95% of the movie, Gandhi sits in the exact same chair.

    Rayne arrives at the monastery and asks if they can all have a sleepover. Since she is a total hottie with the only skintight clothes in all of 18th century Romania, they let her stay over. She sneaks out of bed and finds the eye after a battle with Sloth from the Goonies. It gives her invulnerability to water. There goes the carnival gig. All seems well until Kagan’s forces attack the monastery. The patented Uwe Boll mid-movie fight scene ensues and a fuckload of people die heinous deaths. This is the best part of the movie by far. Swords that lazily swing from the fatigued arms of bored actors open up gashes that spray more liquid than the diarrhea of God. At one point guys are just wailing on an already dismembered corpse. This is where the budget went. Lots of blood and gore make Uwe Boll a happy man.

    The medieval bro duo arrives and fights as well. M-Rod shows up from wherever she was, it is never explained, and gets in on the action, too. After all is settled, Rayne has been captured by Kagan’s right hand man and is taken away. The bros follow her.

    Rayne is taken to a building in the middle of nowhere. This stop serves no purpose other than to have a scene that expertly combines gore and boobs. This building is pretty much a vampire/sex version of the cantina from Mos Eisley. The leader of the joint is played by Meat Loaf. He is surrounded by a bunch of naked chicks and is just an all around scumbag. I found out that the naked chicks were actual Romanian prostitutes and not actresses, a genius money-saving move made by Dr. Boll.

    The bros raid the place and rescue Rayne and take her back to their place. They are a part of Brimstone, a society of vampire hunters. There they train Rayne to swordfight and smile. It is also here where she fucks one of the bros after waking up from a nightmare. The scene is pretty hot but it comes out of nowhere and just left me confused. It is also barely ever addressed for the rest of the movie. Uwe must have just been checking things off his list. Kagan’s men then show up and destroy all of Brimstone except for the bros.

    M-Rod betrays the Brimstone and tries to get the heart for herself so Rayne kills her and then brings the heart to Kagan in an attempt to trick him. It doesn’t really work so he just throws Rayne in prison. The bros then try to break in to Kagan’s castle and are laughably captured seconds after their attack begins. Once all three of the good guys are locked up together, they promise to never stop fighting.

    Rayne is soon taken from her cell to be sacrificed in a ceremony by Kagan. The bros escape their cell and break up the party before the ritual can be completed. A big ole brawl ensues and everyone dies except for Rayne. It should be noted that when Michael Madsen is stabbed, his face is the exact same as when he is taking a shit. No expression, kind of bored, an actor in an Uwe Boll movie.

    With Kagan defeated and good prevailing, Rayne goes and sits on the throne. She then has a five-minute flashback that only involves fight scenes. It is just five minutes of the same ridiculous footage of people being torn apart by swords and blood flying everywhere. After a good viewing of her head-movies, Rayne gets on her horse and sets off. Then the credits roll.

    This is the best of Boll’s movies so far but that is the equivalent of being the least smelly pile of shit in the horse stable. The fight choreography is pretty lethargic for an action movie and as a result, none of it is really exciting. Michael Madsen is an example of a common occurrence in an Uwe Boll picture in that he is a well-known actor sluggishly going through the motions to pick up a paycheck with no evident interest in the movie. There are flashes of accents for some of the characters but they are so spotty that it feels like you can pinpoint what days of filming the actors cared about.

    Overall, this is not as terribly made as the last two films but it is not close enough to being an enjoyable experience for me to recommend it in any way to anyone. With the exception of the decent sex scene and some fun gory sequences, this is just 90 minutes of crap. I am, however, seeing a steady increase in quality from movie to movie so maybe by the end of this thing I will be able to say that Uwe Boll made something worth watching. Fingers crossed.

    That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.

    

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